Character Lost & Found: Search Histories, Secret Rants & Cosmic Dating Ads
Peek inside the panicked searches, void-closet confessions, scathing reviews, and questionable personal ads of your favorite cosmic crew.
Welcome to Character Lost and Found, where we unearth those 'off-camera' moments.
Huge thanks to my paid subscribers for making this possible—enjoy this look at what Alex, Adam, Thalia, and Elliot get up to when they think no one's watching.
Alex’s Search History – Last 24 Hours
Caught between a potentially possessed boyfriend and a dangerously charming space witch, Alex does what any sensible human(?) would do: Go to Google.
“How to tell if a space witch is thirsting for your man”
“How to flirt with a space witch”
“Signs my boyfriend is possessed vs. just being weird”
“Can you kill an eldritch horror with crystals and a blade?”
“Emergency Bluetooth exorcism – does this work or am I about to die?”
“Top 5 undeniable signs you’re trapped in a simulation (and is it rude to ask the admin for a patch?)”
“Tarot card keeps showing up blank?? Am I the problem??”
“Void sickness symptoms OR just standard-issue anxiety??”
“Can you hook up in the astral plane without summoning something cursed?”
“Definitive ranking of the prettiest men in history, including space witches”
“Did I accidentally hurt my boyfriend’s feelings?”
“What time does McDonald's stop serving breakfast in deep space”
“What time does McDonald’s stop serving breakfast in deep space, reddit”
"Best crystals for banishing ancient entities NOT from this reality"
"DIY spells to fix electronics"
"Subreddits for people who suspect their roommate is a cosmic being"
"How to respectfully tell a cosmic entity you're not interested"
“Is ‘space witches’ a slur?”
Adam’s Notes App Rant from the Void Closet™
From the questionable sanctuary of the Void Closet™, Adam attempts to rationalize his totally normal interactions with Elliot and assures himself he's handling the cosmic crisis with superior composure.
Title: I Am Objectively Chill About This
Okay. Deep breaths. I am, at most, experiencing a temporary and completely understandable fixation on the way Elliot… exists. As a concept. As a ridiculously well-maintained potential harbinger of doom. That's normal crisis processing, right?
(Self-correction: Is it normal to be analyzing the grooming habits of a maybe-immortal cosmic entity while hiding in what smells vaguely like ozone and existential dread?)
Look, the guy operates on a different frequency. Intense eye contact that feels like it's scanning your soul's browser history, unnecessarily dramatic hand gestures like he's conducting an orchestra only he can hear, and a habit of talking about soul-devouring horrors like he’s trying to sell me a slightly used Kia.
It’s fundamentally disorienting. It throws you off balance. That's the thing.
And yeah, okay, objectively the dude looks like he walked off a cologne ad for 'Ancient Power & Subtle Menace.' You can notice that without wanting to... you know. It's called having eyes.
And maybe appreciating aesthetics even when they come packaged with potential annihilation. It doesn't automatically trigger a sexuality crisis. Pretty sure that requires more than just well-defined cheekbones and a vocabulary full of impending doom.
Anyway. Things that are absolutely not consuming my thoughts while hiding in this literal space-closet:
His hair. (Seriously, how? What conditioner survives intergalactic void travel? Does he use gravitational lensing for volume? I need answers for... science.)
The way he looked at Alex. (Like she was an interesting variable in his cosmic equation. Weird. Unnecessary. Also, deeply unacceptable. Back off, Starlord.)
Whether Thalia thinks my jokes are funny. (They are objectively funny. She's probably just intimidated by humor that doesn't involve predicting planetary collapse. Or maybe she just has no taste. Yeah, that's it.)
And while we’re cataloging betrayals—Alex? Referring to literal gods-slash-space-witches as "my friends" out there? Seriously? Genuinely hurtful. I am just as much a victim of Witch-napping here, possibly more so given the closet situation! But fine. Let her have her intense, probably-involves-crystals debrief with Thalia. We'll circle back to her questionable phrasing and potential lack of solidarity later. Assuming there is a later.
Point is, I am handling all of this—the apocalypse, the space-closet ambiance, the revelation that I'm apparently some kind of cosmic Big Deal, the unnervingly charismatic entity outside who might be trying to save me or dissect me—extremely well. Centered. Focused. Utterly unfazed.
Objectively chill. Totally.
(And, maybe my heart rate is slightly elevated. But that’s residual fear from the space spiders.)
((ALSO WHY IS IT ALWAYS SPIDER. EVOLUTION AND THE GALAXY ALWAYS BRING IT BACK TO SPIDERS. THERE’S ONLY ONE THING WORSE AND FABIO OUT THERE BETTER NOT TELL ME IS THAT SPACE HAS AN IRS))
Thalia’s One-Star Review on a Crystal Shop’s Etsy Page
Thalia found her recent crystal purchase... lacking. She expresses her displeasure with typical fiery restraint.
Product: “Witch’s Eclipse Crystal Bundle – Moon-Charged!”
Rating: ★☆☆☆☆
An absolute insult to the craft and an affront to energies potent enough to peel reality back like a cheap decal. These inert pebbles, advertised as 'Moon-Charged!', couldn't subdue a mildly annoyed dust bunny, let alone the voidborn abomination I acquired them for.
Their pathetic resonance actively interfered with my workings, nearly causing a feedback loop that would have dissolved this entire sector into incandescent rage-plasma. Forget potency; I detected only notes of lavender, desperation, and insulting incompetence.
My familiar, a being attuned to the pure energies of cosmic fury, reacted by attempting to scour the very memory of these rocks from existence via violent, multidimensional retching. It has since refused all sustenance, radiating pure contempt—a state I fully endorse. This is negligence bordering on sabotage.
Seek genuine power elsewhere before trinkets like these get you annihilated. Consider this vendor marked. Their audacity demands consequence.
Screenshots of Elliot’s ‘Personal Ad’ from the Last Time He Visited Earth
Elliot occasionally seeks connection across the void. His requirements are... intense.
Name: El’therion
Age: Ageless. (Time is merely a texture.)
Occupation: Weaver of Entanglements.
Formerly: Architect of the Second Collapse.
Currently: Seeking... Resonance.
Bio:
Yearning for a connection that burns brighter than a collapsing star. Seeking a soul brave enough to gaze into the abyss and desire what stares back.
For the long-term (measured in epochs, naturally).
I offer intensity, transcendence, and a perspective that makes empires seem fleeting.
Preferences:
Sharing the exquisite agony of a supernova's final breath.
Losing ourselves in debates that unravel the very fabric of self, leaving us thrillingly bare.
The intoxicating allure of shared obsession – becoming each other's focal point in the chaos.
Navigating the thrilling precipice of morally incandescent desires. Boundaries are merely suggestions.
Rekindling flames across lifetimes – that flicker of recognition is... addictive. Have we burned together before?
Dealbreakers:
Tepid souls. Bring me fire, intensity, unashamed want.
Emotional deserts. I seek oceans, even stormy ones, to drown in.
Those who fear the shadows. The most exquisite pleasures bloom in darkness, watered by secrets.
Whose internal monologue (or search history) resonated? Was Thalia's review justified? Is Elliot's dating strategy... concerningly effective?
Drop your thoughts, theories, and favorite lines in the comments below!
Enjoyed this peek behind the cosmic curtain? This 'Lost and Found' file was unearthed early exclusively for my amazing paid subscribers (thank you for your incredible support!). If you'd like to get first dibs on future discoveries, access other exclusive content, and help keep this whole operation running, please consider upgrading your subscription!
Until the next story,
—Your Narrator
I’d like to put an application in for Elliot.