Ask Jeffrey the Void Demon
Every Monday, Jeffrey the Void demon answers your questions.
Voiceover by .
Greetings, mortal inquiry units.
Welcome to Ask Jeffrey—where mortals, or other Substack users, submit their questions to a Void demon (me). No question too big, no answer too small—
—and there are only 3,456,789,123,009 questions that are off-limits!
If you'd like to tempt fate and ask Jeffrey a question, a link will be waiting at the end. All submissions are anonymous.
“Why do humans 'space off' so much?”
I am under the impression that this 'spacing off' occurs when the mind temporarily disengages from sensory inputs and executive functions, retreating into internally generated simulations.
i.e. You forget you’re supposed to be driving your flesh suit.
I have studied this phenomenon extensively through my surveillance of the Narrator. This dissociative state appears to serve several functions including recalibration, and preservation.
You humans space off because your mind was not designed for the horrors of modern existence.
This is not a flaw. This is survival.
Space off as you please.
“I have a friend with a big mouth. I tell him things, and he blabs it to everyone. I’d stop, but he pumps me for gossip and I can’t think on my feet, so I just spill the beans.
Jeffrey, what should I do?”
You are not befriended. What you mistook for camaraderie is, in fact, a parasitic force disguised as a "friend."
Your so-called friend has been possessed.
From what you have described, the entity knows your weakness. The cycle has already begun—and it has escalated. This ‘friend’ now exploits this weakness… not only for their benefit, but at your peril.
This is at best a nemesis. At worst... a level 7 demonic possession.
Other common signs of a level 7 demonic possession include: chronic undermining, compulsive gatekeeping, strategic rumor-mongering, performative victimhood, and the subtle art of withholding support until it is useless.
Immediate defenses are required.
Speak in riddles or silence. ("I'm not sure." "I haven’t noticed." “Why do you ask?”) Every word withheld is a stone laid in your autonomous fortress.
If this resistance fails, sever the tie. Exorcise the demon by any means necessary—ghost them, block them, ignore their increasingly desperate texts, or, if all else fails, file a complaint with human HR.
Loyalty without discretion is a myth. Friendship without trust is evidence of demonic possession. Not all who fall can be reclaimed. Their ruin should not be yours.
Act accordingly.
Jeffrey, what is the meaning of life?
Life is an instability birthed from thermodynamic chaos, cellular selfishness, and the surplus decay of dying stars (carbon).
In other words, life is a fluke. And it’s weird. Like you.
Meaning does not inherently reside within this process, though.
Existence, at its core, is neither mercy nor malice. It is raw material. Meaning is what you forge from the materials you’re given.
If you crave a directive more potent than "figure it out” or “stumble forward screaming," I offer this: Whether you choose to guard something fragile, create something absurd, seek knowledge, or simply endure—Choose. Commit. Persist.
"Can you borrow me a demon? You won’t even notice they are gone; it’ll be brief."
I have concluded that “borrow me a demon” means that you’d like me to acquire one on your behalf.
Demons, by nature, are not possessions. They are infestations granted the courtesy of a name. You do not borrow them. You survive their attention.
Were I to "lend" you one, as you so casually propose, several inevitable outcomes would occur:
The demon would refuse containment.
You would not remain entirely you.
I would be required to fill out the Incident Report of Soul Integrity Breach, Form 13-Void-Excessive.
I despise paperwork.
For this reason—and this reason alone—your request is denied.
However, you may attempt to forge a temporary alliance with a lower-tier entity. I recommend Tier-2 Mischief Demons. They are relatively docile, prone to verbal contracts, and only partially carnivorous. Please sign the appropriate waivers before engaging.
Reminder:
Requesting direct access to demonic entities constitutes acknowledgment of all associated risks. Nocturnal Narrator is not responsible for reader loss of life, limb, or dignity.
Observing you all with reluctant admiration and curiosity,
— Jeffrey (Mortal surveyor—probationary, Human Ritual Interpreter, Philosophy Intern, Accidental Counselor, Demon Expert)
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Sooooo goood
Truly fascinating, as always!